First Month.....

Wow so many thoughts to post about and obviously so little time. First things first, I never thought i could care this much about somebody/something ever. When she cries all i can think is "what can i do to make it better" and then i run around and try everything until she passes out from crying.

I cant imagine a better mom than Lindy is being. I mean she is on it and is a natural.

Now before i go any further, if you are a peer of mine considering trying to have a kid.....

HOLY SHIT IS THIS HARD!

I know, I know you hear it all the time "oh its so hard and so rewarding"....So far, first month, and really even the 10 months of pregnancy preceding this, not worth it, not even close. It is so hard to explain, like no doubt i love this kid and would do anything to make it better for her, lindy, and myself. At the same time I am having this fear that all those parents who say shit like "oh its so rewarding and worth it and i cant imagine life without kids" are just saying that to keep their sanity after making such a horrible decision.

Katie cries, sleeps, shits, and eats. When shes happy and content and not colicky i worry that shes dead. Literally i check her breathing at least 50x a day. I have had at least two instances where i convince myself shes not breathing and i pick her up and start patting her back and yelling out that shes not breathing until shes wide awake and throwing a fit.

Then when shes crying Lindy and I get on edge and run around like two crazies trying to calm her down.....

The financial side of it is ridiculously bad. 15 diapers a day, clothes, furniture....thank god were not using formula.....and all this for what? What am i getting out of this? I know, I know i keep hearing after 3 months it gets better etc etc and i really hope thats true, because the constant pressure of worrying about earning enough  money, calming her when shes irritable (which is like 80% of the day), and then worrying that shes dead when shes calm  the other 20% of the day is the opposite of rewarding.

Obviously i cant help but love Katie and shes pushing me to want to do better things for her and Lindy, but after my whole life wanting a huge family, i think this is it for us.....mayyyyyyyyyyyyybe one more but the scars of this catastrophe will have to fade first.